(This is Part 2 of a series. Click here for Part 1).
Outside of the game, my husband and I were sleeping in separate beds. Divorce became the next logical step, instead of something we never thought we’d consider. And I didn’t realize it at the time, but it was painful to be with my son. Every time I looked at him, I just felt empty, reminded of the fact that he used to have a sister. I couldn’t take him to the park because the three of us had gone to the park, together. The sight of other young children was like a knife twisted in my chest. I couldn’t even walk by a Starbucks without remembering her asking, “Mommy, want coffee?”
This is what grief does. It carves a hole inside of you; a treacherous cavern that you know will cave in with just the slightest touch. But I didn’t want to face grief. I thought I could outpace it, and even if I was just one step ahead, it would be okay.
So I spent more and more time in WoW, and when something in my day to day life began to encroach, I found a way to deal with it. Money wasn’t an issue at the time, so I didn’t have to drag myself to a job every day. My husband and I just kept growing more and more apart, to the point where living with him became like having a roommate who kept a different schedule. And my son was finally old enough for daycare, so I had full days completely to myself to escape into World of Warcraft.
In retrospect, I can’t believe I let someone else raise my child, especially after I’d already lost one. It’s fucking selfish of me, but I was honestly just trying to keep my head above water. WoW was all I had that didn’t remind me of the pain. My life was stalled; stopped dead by a tragedy that I just didn’t think I could deal with.
But in WoW, I always kept moving forward. At work, I’d bring my little Vodka bottles with me and down one before I had to get up and speak in front of a group of people. With a small build, one was just enough to get me through. But in WoW, I could tackle anything. I could slay dragons, I could lead armies, I could end wars. At home I could barely force myself to eat. It was like I’d started living two lives: Real life where the walls were closing in on me, or WoW life where everything was just beginning to open up.
Is it any wonder that I chose WoW life when my Real life had become such a fucking mess?
This is Part 2 of a series. Click here for Part 3.