Letting Go: Conquering My WoW Addiction Part 2

(This is Part 2 of a series. Click here for Part 1).

Outside of the game, my husband and I were sleeping in separate beds. Divorce became the next logical step, instead of something we never thought we’d consider. And I didn’t realize it at the time, but it was painful to be with my son. Every time I looked at him, I just felt empty, reminded of the fact that he used to have a sister. I couldn’t take him to the park because the three of us had gone to the park, together. The sight of other young children was like a knife twisted in my chest. I couldn’t even walk by a Starbucks without remembering her asking, “Mommy, want coffee?”

This is what grief does. It carves a hole inside of you; a treacherous cavern that you know will cave in with just the slightest touch. But I didn’t want to face grief. I thought I could outpace it, and even if I was just one step ahead, it would be okay.

So I spent more and more time in WoW, and when something in my day to day life began to encroach, I found a way to deal with it. Money wasn’t an issue at the time, so I didn’t have to drag myself to a job every day. My husband and I just kept growing more and more apart, to the point where living with him became like having a roommate who kept a different schedule. And my son was finally old enough for daycare, so I had full days completely to myself to escape into World of Warcraft.

In retrospect, I can’t believe I let someone else raise my child, especially after I’d already lost one. It’s fucking selfish of me, but I was honestly just trying to keep my head above water. WoW was all I had that didn’t remind me of the pain. My life was stalled; stopped dead by a tragedy that I just didn’t think I could deal with.

But in WoW, I always kept moving forward. At work, I’d bring my little Vodka bottles with me and down one before I had to get up and speak in front of a group of people. With a small build, one was just enough to get me through. But in WoW, I could tackle anything. I could slay dragons, I could lead armies, I could end wars. At home I could barely force myself to eat. It was like I’d started living two lives: Real life where the walls were closing in on me, or WoW life where everything was just beginning to open up.

Is it any wonder that I chose WoW life when my Real life had become such a fucking mess?

This is Part 2 of a series. Click here for Part 3.

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3 Responses
  1. Anonymous says:

    I am so sorry to hear that you lost your daughter to a devastating disease. It is the worst thing any parent could ever go through.

    Everyone, myself included, have used WoW as a crutch to get through something devastating in real life. I wanted to comment because this struck a chord with me. I was also at the top of the world when I started playing WoW with my then boyfriend, who also played. We had grand plans of getting married, and having a family. I was on my way to finishing my degree in college and we were looking at buying a new house. He was a police officer who was killed one night two years ago because a drunk driver ran a red light and hit his cruiser with his suv.

    I still get overcome with grief when I think about him. WoW was the only thing I had left of him and I still miss him so much. I started playing daily, for hours and hours remembering what we used to do together. I was in college at the time, and I dropped out because I was overwhelmed with the pain of losing my fiance. I lost interest in going to work and ended up taking a leave. WoW became my entire life for a long time and the worst part is that I don’t remember much of it. I was muddling through in a foggy state of mind, and looking back on it, I think I was hoping I would find him again somehow in WoW in the midst of my grief. I was terrified that I’d forget what we used to do together.

    It hurt to be away from the game but it also hurt playing it. His absence was greatly noticeable whenever I reached for the LFG and out of habit, I’d begin typing a tell to his paladin. I’d realize he was gone and start sobbing in fits because he wasn’t there to play with me anymore. It’s one of the worst thing I’ve ever gone through.

    I have mostly healed now, but I haven’t been with another man since he died. I feel like I would be betraying him, even though I know that’s what he would want me to do is to move on with someone else. He was my protection paladin who also looked after my tiny rogue in world pvp. I healed his injuries as he tanked through heroics on my druid. We spent many hours farming and questing together. It was incredibly hard to let that go in a game I also loved so much. It’s not something I talk about often because it still hurts.

    Thank you for sharing your story. You’re not alone in having lost someone so precious.

    • Lilpeanut says:

      I’m so saddened to hear of your tragedy. Death has left us with an empty void. If ever that void is filled, it’s only partially and temporary. The pain lurks in the shadows. Something that has helped me to heal is advice I heard on the radio: “Life is for the living.” When I heard that I stood up, dusted myself off, and regained my strength and zeal for life. For the people around me that love me. For the people around me that need me. For those that are alive. Hasn’t the death of our loved ones taught us that we aren’t promised tomorrow? So why should I mope? I think of my baby girl and know she wouldn’t want to see me moping. When a lioness loses her cub, she still calls for it with low beckoning sounds. But she eventually leaves the cub to nurture, feed, and fight for the cubs she still has that are living. We are not going to take life lying down. Your boyfriend passed away two years ago which to me, is not that long ago. Your wounds are probably still fresh. Thank you for sharing your story with me. Please feel free to reach out to me any time.

  2. Wils says:

    WoW helps me to get through the idiotic abuse of my husband. I am going through school (am 48) so I can get a better job and get him away from me. Its a kind of grief because the relationship that I thought was going to last, ended up being kinda just horrible. He isn’t a bad person, just not really a nice one. I am not the perfect wife, and its just not working. Head games make me sick. Depression makes it hard to do much, as you know, but at least with WoW, I can have fun with people that I have met, or those that show up in the LFG thingie. I am very very sorry for your loss, as losing a loved one always sucks, however losing a child, I can’t imagine how that must feel. At some point you will feel better. You won’t even notice it at first, but it will happen. Little by little. You will regain your life, little by little. *hugs* It just takes as long as it needs to take, and you will be ok as you will when you are supposed to be ok.

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