I’m A Closet Blogger

I’m a closet blogger.

Aside from D, only my brother and one other friend know I have this blog, and that’s only because they used to play with me heavily. But aside from that, none of my friends or family knows about it. I don’t share any of my posts on my personal Facebook page. And while I do keep an active Twitter account, I don’t expect anyone I see face to face on a regular basis to read it. Even then, I only tweet about my blog because my Twitter followers (I <3 you, btw) play WoW or SWTOR on a regular basis.

Twitter has become my new social haven, and I wish I could reach into my computer and give you all a big hug. In some ways I feel like I have more in common with you guys than I do with my Real Life friends. You’ve supported me from the very humble beginnings of my blog, and you’ve encouraged me as my focus has evolved and transitioned into what it is today. You guys get me, good and bad. When I tweet from my phone about how I want to be playing WoW instead of doing whatever I’m doing, not only do you understand, but you’re not going to tell me I’m crazy!

(Photo by Ilse).

I guess I probably don’t do myself any favors when it comes to my Real Life friends, though. I’m always sharing some wild new idea that’s planted itself in my brain and grabs hold of me until I see it through to fruition. It seems like every other month I’m telling them about a new business venture or charity. They’re probably sick of hearing it by now. I can just imagine it: “Oh great, here she comes again with some sick person she’s trying to get us to donate to.” or “Here she comes with something new to sell us. Quick, hide your wallet!”

Of course, this all brings up a bigger question for me: Has being a closet gamer trained me to be a closet blogger, too? Why do I feel like I have to minimize the WoW window when I hear D coming? Why is there so much guilt associated with me having some quality time with my games? Why do I dream about PvPing with my priest while watching Tangled for the 10th time?

I don’t understand. I really don’t spend a lot of time in game. Usually I get a couple hours a night after the boys are asleep, if that, and that’s it. As for D, he’s been amazingly supportive. He may not understand what a raid is or why I like slaying internet dragons, but he knows I love this blog, I love my audience, and I love sharing my passions.

Recently, I’ve started trying to bridge the gap a little more. Originally I had told my brother about my blog a few months ago and he made no effort to read it. But while we were in Big Bear a few weekends back, I got my brother to read a few of my posts and I feel like he understands me a little better because of it. Of course we have that family bond, but it’s nice to not feel like I have to hide this from him. After all, we’ve spent hours on the battlefield together. So I thought it appropriate to read him one of Sahsha’s Journal Entries, (Falling To My Death), and he was obviously entertained. In fact, he predicted Sahsha getting blasted off the LM cliff before I even got to that part. Sigh. My brother. (I just got nostalgic remembering how I would read him Where The Red Fern Grows by Wilson Rawls before bed when I was 9 years old and he was 8).

Is it a step in the right direction? I really don’t know. Maybe my blogging life – just like my gaming life – will always be separate from everything else I do. Maybe it has to be. After all, my hobbies are my safe haven.

“What I am is good enough if I would only be it openly.”  ~Carl Rogers

Does anyone else ever feel the same way? Or am I a little nuts? Actually, don’t answer the nuts part. I already know the answer. 🙂

* * *

I’d like to thank @HayFayFay for inspiring me to finally finish this post with her recent blog post at Confessions of a Closet Nerd, “/LORE: The Nerd Emerges”

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8 Responses
  1. It’s taken me three years to get my husband to read me on a regular basis. I think you come to things in your own time. I was a closet blogger, but thanks to Twitter and some much-needed self confidence I’m taking steps into a larger and more fun world 😀

    Be what you are. Then everything seems to work a great deal easier as a result 😀

  2. Navimie says:

    LOL whether you’re nuts or not, one of the things I admire about you is your willingness to share.

    Blogging is one of those things you can do for all sorts of reasons – whether you want to keep people updated with what’s going on in your life/business/community, whether there is certain information on certain things you want to make sure is out there, or whether it’s for yourself as a personal journal of sorts – all of us fit into one or more of these categories. Journals can be secret or public – it’s up to you really!

    I think for you, it’s whether you want your game life and your real life to mingle. Mine is so intertwined that they can’t be separated but there are others like you who want to keep them clearly separate – perhaps it’s just so you can feel you have something of your own you can escape to! Tzufit wrote something about how her gaming life is hidden from her work mates or real life, and maybe it’s the same for you 🙂

    I don’t think you have to come out of hiding with your blog or your gaming, as it’s your little secret fun thing. Blogging is like gaming – after all, it’s writing about gaming! I don’t think you should feel ashamed of playing, but there is no need to advertise it if you don’t want that to be what people focus on when they talk to you. But if you feel like coming out of hiding with your blogging means you don’t need to feel like you’re hiding something or being mischievous, then by all means, come out 🙂

  3. Angelya says:

    I’ve often wondered what my family or non-gaming friends would make of my blogging, but only Mr Ang and my sister (who doesn’t game) know about it. I do feel guilty as well about my gaming in general – I have no idea why… I only realised it recently when I had to apologise my way out of a family lunch because I had to be on the computer to be on a podcast! I was actually about to make up some lie about why I couldn’t come when I realised that the only reason I didn’t want to tell them what I was really up to was that I’d have to explain the whole gaming/blogging thing to them. In the end I let my sister do the explaining… I’m such a wuss 🙂

  4. Lilpeanut says:

    Thanks all! This blog is like a newborn baby to me. I’m at that stage where I’m not quite ready to introduce it to friends and family yet. With time, this blog will build up its own immunities and be able to defend itself from infection/criticism. Any harsh words will be met with, “People are reading my blog, so I must be doing something right.” As far as gaming, I think I can be okay with the world knowing what I do late at night when I can’t sleep, or what I prefer to do instead of watch TV or read a book to unwind. What I’m not okay with (yet) is people knowing how MUCH I think of the game when we’re apart. I’ll continue to look within and understand why that is. For now, as The Godmother touched on above:

    “Be who you are and say what you feel. Because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” ~Dr. Seuss

  5. MinoTheMad says:

    We need to get you a bumper sticker that reads “I”d rather be blogging.” XD I think it’s typical that you feel the need to protect the camaraderie you’ve amassed. You have found people with shared interests. People who understand your passion for gaming and blogging. There’s a definite bond there that you won’t allow to be broken because it’s a beautiful thing to find someone, anyone who truly understands you. I’m certain that many who follow your tweets & blog are interesting/supportive people. They’re getting to know the sheer awesomeness that is Lilpeanut. Just remember that your real life friends love ya unconditionally as well 😉

    I can relate to your minimizing the WoW window… well, for me it’s lowering the volume so’s people can’t hear the blasting of gunfire. Maybe it’s because gaming for us is something subjective & personal, to the point where we really don’t want to be caught with our pants down… er, in the ZONE!! Our attention has to be split between our muse and said person/people.

    Having said that, you really shouldn’t distress so much. You’ll be fine! I for one can affirm that you’ve been a positive influence in my life over the last year. Yes, it’s been a year! I am a more self-confident, positive, and understanding person because of advice and words of encouragement you’ve given me. People flock towards you because of you strength. And I really… really don’t mind sharing my friend with others 🙂

  6. HayFayFay says:

    Woman, let yo’ blog and WoW hair SWANG! Whip it back and forth! Let’s both not be ashamed of who we are, what we do and where the hell we write it!

    *whips her hair back and forth*

  7. Aidrana says:

    I used to be one too!

    But as I started making pictures, I realized I wanted to share that with my family and friends too. My family knows that I’m a huge gamer addict and they don’t mind at all. I don’t play all the time, but when I do, it’s on very specific nights (monday, tuesday and thursday nights for raiding) and most people are aware of that. They’ve been pretty willing to work around those nights.

    I think it’s because they know I do make time for them when I’m not busy aside from those three hour raid nights. My friends game too, but not as much as I do- they’re more of FPS gamers, so they share the same passions as I do even though it’s not WoW specifically. A lot of them are fans of my work too! I guess I’m very lucky I have very supportive friends and family who don’t look down on me for my hobbies. I don’t hide anything from anyone because it isn’t how I want to live my life. I got tired of making excuses why I’m busy during raid nights so I just let the cat out of the bag and things didn’t change one bit.

    It’s up to you if you want to keep it a secret, but it’s okay if you want to share it with some people you know!

  8. Karegina says:

    Everyone I am close to knows that I have been writing on the internet for a long time. The fact that I have an open and out there WoW blog is something that really only my close friends and guildies know. I was really hesitate about telling my (old) guild but honestly, it’s been wonderful for that too. It’s let people see a side of me they might not of known. It helped someone from my old guild know I was thinking about her while my recent server transfer/drama happened. That made HER feel better and thus made it easier on her for us to be gone from the server. (I just made her a transmog outfit. Which she says she loves! YAY!)

    My written words have been taken a lot of different ways but they are my words and I won’t apologize for them. They are my expression 🙂 And I love that I can use them to explain things to people! (I get flustered and nervous when I’m trying to do it face to face. There was one post I did that I spent my time sobbing while I tried to read it to my husband. In text, there is none of that choked feeling, where you want to say something but you physically can’t get the words out.)

    Anyway! That is what I think! 🙂

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